Over 50% of people in committed relationships are having affairs

A recent article in the Sunday Times stated that more than 50% of people in committed relationships have had an affair.
Quite daunting and scary statistics. But if one looks at the divorce stats which claim 1 in every 2 marriages end up in divorce based on marriage vs. divorce certificates and not co-habitating couples then it does seem rather possible.

The article categorises affairs into the 3 types listed below:

…

I am often presented with situations similar to the above. This is why it’s extremely important for couples to clarify and set relationship boundaries up front before they settle into their relationship. When boundaries are in place, couples are equally responsible and accountable to uphold their relationship boundaries because they value their relationship and each other.

Unfortunately many a time it is only after the fact that couples want to instill boundaries and by then they are dealing with much more than just boundaries such as hurt, anger, trust issues and unresolved frustrations.

Social media is becoming more and more of a common platform where ‘affairs’ are taking place (a version of the virtual affair) because a partners emotional needs are not being met in the relationship (e.g. connecting with old ‘ghosts’ from the past, chatting to ‘friends’ etc.).

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you have any doubts about your relationship:

• Have I voiced my concerns, issues or needs with my partner in a way that they understand where I am coming from?
• Have I tried everything in my power to resolve our relationship issues including seeking professional help?
• Am I clear on our relationship boundaries and how am I upholding them?
• If my partner was behaving the way I am would I be happy?
• How are the witnesses to our relationship (e.g. your children) seeing and experiencing our behavior towards each other?
• Where am I at in my head space about my partner and relationship (is it a positive or a negative view)?
• If there was one thing I could change and do differently what would it be and how will we both benefit as a result?

Many couples are quick to look at what their partner is or is not doing in the relationship but few look at it from their own perspective and how they are contributing to the relationship and their partner.

A version of this article also appeared on East Coast Radio

Paula Quinsee is a Relationship Expert in Johannesburg. She teaches individuals and organisations how to cultivate healthy relationships in their personal lives and workplace using EQ skills, Imago Therapy and NLP principles. Paula is also the author of Embracing Conflict – a self-help guide filled with practical tools and insights. Attend one of her regular monthly workshops for great empowering tools.