Are you a gaslight victim?
Do you feel as though someone in your life is manipulating you and making you feel like you’re losing grip with reality? Chances are, you are being gas lighted.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that is used by a culprit to psychologically and emotionally influence his or her victim. It is a common tactic used by abusers, especially narcissists, to gain control over their victim. The term gas lighting comes from the 1938 stage play Gaslight, by playwright and novelist Patrick Hamilton, in which a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to drive her crazy. It started when he would dim the house lights (which were powered by gas back then), then deny it when his wife questioned him about it. The 2016 movie The Girl on the Train, starring Emily Blunt is a good example of this kind of behavior.
Even though the term has been around for a while, we regularly hear the word narcissism being more widely used. Chances are if you have been involved with a narcissist, you may well have been gas lighted. This form of abuse is not only found in romantic relationships, it occurs in all different types of relationships: romantic partners, between family members, in friendship and even in the office.
The ultimate goal of a gaslighter is to break you down until you become a mere shadow of former yourself so that you become dependent on them. They will deny they said or did certain things even though you are sure they did, they will tell you that you are crazy or imagining things, eventually you will start to questioning your own sanity and reality.
Gas lighters or narcissists can be throw in some positivity every now and then like giving you a compliment. Another form of control because you think they are not so bad as this reverses all the manipulative behavior that came before.
More often than not, a culprit knows exactly what they are doing. In other instances they may not be aware of their behavior, either way it is a learned behaviour and can be treated but it may involve the abuser undergoing therapy.
Five signs you are a victim of gas lighting and its effects it has on you
- You’re always apologising and blaming yourself for the things you do or say.
- Your self-esteem is so low, you begin to feel insecure and start doubting your own sanity and reality.
- You are emotionally drained and anxious when your partner is around.
- You have difficulty making your own decisions and become dependent on the culprit because they clarify or validate your reality.
- You constantly find yourself defending your partner’s actions to family and friends and you become withdrawn from them.
Since these types of abusers are calculating and have mastered the art of manipulation, anyone can fall victim to their scheming. They will generally look to find their next victim in a short space of time and are known to jump from one relationship to the next or even juggle more than one at the same time.
If at any point you get the feeling you are a victim of this emotional kind of abuse, do not ignore the red flags. Identifying the problem is the first step. You can try to break free of this behavior on your own or through therapy.
If need, seek help from an outside perspective, a trusted friend, family member or a professional who will help you unpack what you are feeling and experiencing. A healthy relationship and ordinary argument shouldn’t leave you feeling like you are walking on egg shells with a sense of anxiety and fear.
Paula Quinsee is a Relationship Expert, Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict. Paula is also a consultant to the TV show ‘Married at First Sight SA’. She works with individuals and organisations to cultivate healthy relationships in both their personal and professional arenas by focusing on emotional skills and personal growth and development.