How to make your second marriage work after a divorce

Did you know that up to 65% of second marriages fail because individuals have not dealt with their ‘baggage’? It’s a key step in the healing process after a marriage (or relationship) has ended and is essential if you don’t want to repeat the same patterns in your next relationship.

So what are some of the main reasons couples divorce?

The main reason couples divorce/break-up is because over time they have become emotionally disconnected from each other. Couples often get into a comfortable routine which if not monitored becomes a rut and complacency sets in. When this happens, they stop making an effort with each other, communication becomes minimal and conflict or issues are not resolved effectively. There are 5 common areas that couples will argue about: money, work/career demands, lack of intimacy/sex, household chores/responsibilities and family. Often when problems arise, couples do not resolve them sufficiently as emotions are high so they are either swept under the carpet or left in the hope they will go away or resolve themselves when in fact all this does is drive a bigger wedge between them.

So what are some of the things that you need to deal with before jumping into another relationship?  

Before you move onto your next relationship, you need to deal with the emotions from your past relationship and gain closure otherwise you will carry the baggage into your next relationship. Gaining closure may involve clarity on why the relationship failed and each party’s contribution to the situation, forgiveness of self/the other person, taking the insights from what worked, what didn’t work and applying that going forward so as not to repeat the same patterns. It’s also a good opportunity to take some time out for self and reconnect with who you are as an individual and the type of relationship and life-partner you are looking for. There is a general rule of thumb that for every month you have been together take a week off from dating and for every year, take one month off to reconnect and build time with yourself again.

What are some of the mistakes one needs to avoid when looking to marry again?

Don’t lose yourself in the relationship, retain your individual identity but also ensure you create an us/we/ours identity. In other words don’t become so dependent on your partner that you lose sight of yourself and distance yourself from family and friends in the process. Just as important is creating an us/we/ours perspective as this gives you a sense of unity, togetherness and support. It’s also key to learn how to manage conflict as unresolved issues will only lead to negativity and risk the relationship heading down that toxic spiral of no return.

Is it possible to have a blissful marriage when your previous one didn’t work out and how do you achieve this?

Yes provided you have done the work, dealt with your emotional baggage, are open to learning from past relationships and consciously do things differently to get a different outcome. Maintain respect in your relationship and with each other, make an effort to spend quality time together and keep communicating with each other – communication is key. If you don’t make time for your relationship – over time you won’t have a relationship.

What should you be looking out for before you get married again?

Be very clear on what it is that you are looking for in a life partner, go deeper than just the superficial stuff such as looks. Think about aspects such as their values, culture, beliefs, spirituality, family values, influences such as friends, hobbies and interests, career aspirations, relationship deal breakers/non-negotiables, money management and expectations. Have these serious and honest discussions right up-front in the early stages of the relationship to manage expectations before you get too far down the line and realise this is not the relationship for you.

Lastly, what makes a marriage a success?

There is no such thing as the perfect person or perfect relationship but rather how perfect can you be for each other because you value and respect each other, the relationship and because you want to succeed together. Relationships are constant work, every day, but if you approach it with a positive mind set, commit to the process, look for ways to navigate the speed-bumps together and constantly communicate with each other, there is no reason why you cannot have a successful marriage.

Adapted from the article that originally appeared in Drum Magazine June 2018. A version of this article also appeared in W24.co.za

Paula Quinsee: relationship expert, Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict. Certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator, NLP Life Coach and PDA Analyst and Coach. As a Relationship Expert, she teaches individuals and companies tools and skills to immediately and positively enhance the quality of their personal and organisational relationships. She is a consultant to SA TV show “Married at first Sight”, conducts regular monthly workshops, writes articles for a number of platforms and hosts podcasts for Niche Radio and UK Health Radio.