What I learned from reality TV

As many of you may know, I have been a consultant to Married at First Sight SA for over a year now (we filmed last year and it is currently running on DSTV channel 131 on Fri at 20:50) and it has been an interesting journey to say the least (if you don’t know what MAFSSA is you can read more here).

When I first had the opportunity to get involved with the show I had no idea what it was about and had never seen any of the overseas programs before so was quite hesitant about the whole idea. But, after watching the Danish series (which is where it originated) and speaking to a few trusted mentors I decided to go ahead and get involved. My intention in the beginning had not changed and that was to be a support to the individuals that did not make it through the process (no one likes being rejected) as well as those that did make it through and were going to need support as they navigated through their relationship journey.

It’s something I am absolutely passionate about and strive to do daily with all my clients I work with – and being in a relationship myself, I know what a bumpy ride it can be at times!

If you have worked with me before you will know I am always saying that there is no such thing as a perfect person (we all have baggage) or the perfect relationship, it’s rather how perfect can we be for each other. We will never agree with our partner on everything 100% of the time, it’s impossible because we are unique individuals with different upbringings, cultures, beliefs, values, spiritual views and more.

So what are some of the things I have learned from MAFSSA?

1. I was astounded at how many people that applied did not have a clear idea of what their values were – these are key as they drive our actions, behaviour and how we live our lives. They are our moral compass.
2. When it came to describing their ideal partner, many only touched on the superficial elements such as looks and interests when there is so much more we should be looking at – especially if we are going to be making the decision to spend the rest of our lives with this person e.g. parenting views, culture, family traditions, career aspirations etc (get my partner checklist here)
3. Science can account for so much when it comes to human behaviour but the one thing it cannot accurately account for (yet) is how people will actually react towards each other in real emotional situations (science can predict the possibilities but not the actual outcome as it is dependent on several other elements involved).
4. Having an open mind to exploring possibilities and realistic expectations can provide an opportunity for us to learn about ourselves, others and the environment around us, and then to use these insights to grow and develop. When we have high expectations we can feel disappointed and let down when those expectations are not met which may not be accurate or fair.
5. Communication is key in order to build connection – if you are not able to articulate what you are thinking, feeling or needing, it’s going to be difficult to get the support, understanding and outcome you desire. When there is no connection – we become defensive and build walls to protect ourselves.
6. It’s not only what you see on TV – often things are edited due to time constraints so you may not see the full context of a situation. Yet we judge things based on what we see without giving much thought as to what may have happened to result in the outcome being shown (both for the participants and experts).
7. A wedding is an event but marriage is a journey – there will always be speed-bumps in your relationship, how you navigate them together and overcome them will determine the success of your relationship. Couples are equally responsible for protecting and keeping their relationship space safe and healthy. Wearing a wedding ring does not mean you are committed to a person – you show it through your thoughts, actions and behaviours each day.
8. People will judge you – not everyone is going to like you and that’s ok, give yourself permission to be hated. In the digital era we live in, people are more vocal about what they feel via social media which is not necessarily a true reflection of you as a person as they only see what they are exposed to which is a small part of who you really are (both the participants and the experts).

Every situation we find ourselves in is an opportunity to learn and grow and I have learned many on this journey as to things I would do differently and things that I stand firm on.

Should they invite me back for Season 2 of MAFSSA, I will make sure those insights are carried forward with me so that I can be a better person for those I am so passionate about helping.

Hope you enjoyed the show one way or the other!