The Other Woman

When it comes to dealing with the other woman in your man’s life, we automatically think of the evil seductress that has stolen our man however this is not always the case. The so called other woman in your man’s life can also present itself in the form of his mother, an Ex, a childhood friend or even his sister.

So how do you deal with the so called other woman in his life?

The first thing not to do is give him an ultimatum or make him choose between you and the other woman – ultimatums very rarely work if at all and you may well not get the outcome you are hoping for.

His mother

Mothers will always want what’s best for their children irrespective of what age they are and you being in his life is no different. You may think he is a momma’s boy and he may well be but if you want to keep him then don’t compete or make an enemy of momma bear. You have to handle this situation in a mature and calm manner and help him to put healthy boundaries in place. The first step is telling him how you feel. Explain to him that you understand he has a close relationship with his mom which you can appreciate and then share with him what it is that bothers you or that you are needing from him, provide real examples so he understands e.g. “I feel hurt when you talk to your mom about our problems, it puts me in an awkward position when we visit her as she knows our intimate details, instead I would prefer if we can resolve these issues between the two of us and maintain some kind of privacy and respect in our relationship.

All moms want their children to be happy so if you can show her in little ways that you are capable of this and have his best interests at heart, it will be easier for her to let go and ultimately cut the apron strings. As difficult as it may be, try and find a way to learn from her, this will show that you are making an effort and buy you some appreciation from her and go a long way in building your relationship with her e.g. ask for her recipes, or offer to cook them with her so you can learn to do it the way he likes it. Whatever you do, don’t take her on, it’s something he has to do himself and how he prioritises the people in his life. While you are his partner; she will always be his mom, and both of you will have prominent yet very different roles in his life that need to be respected if you want the happily ever after.

The sister

Whether older or younger, a sister – brother relationship is a special one. Besides flesh and blood, there are shared childhood memories and possibly a little protectiveness over each other. As the wife/girlfriend in the relationship, you can’t and don’t want to compete with that however you do want to establish your place in the relationship by helping put healthy boundaries in place. Whilst it’s good to share each other’s childhoods and how you grew up as this can give you valuable clues into why he is the type of person he is, the influences he has had and what makes him special – as a couple try to create your own shared memories with just the two of you. It’s also about having respect for each other’s relationship so if you want her to respect your relationship you need to respect their relationship – all within reason of course. There is a time for family time and there is a time for alone time.

The Ex/childhood friend

You cannot pretend your partner does not have a past. Everyone does and that may include a few Ex’s here and there. At the end of the day he has chosen you over them and that must mean something. If you felt supported by your partner you would feel less threatened by the relationships he has with ghosts of the past. When you present a united front to the rest of the world, the world knows its place and this is no different. So instead of falling into the power struggle trap and getting caught up in the ‘he said she said cat fight’ you need to have a discussion right up front as to what your relationship boundaries and deal breakers are so you know exactly where you stand with each other. Ask your partner how they would feel if the roles were reversed, would they appreciate your behavior if you did the same with your Ex? There’s nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with an Ex or a childhood sweetheart so long as both parties respect the boundaries of the relationship and that includes things such as trust, privacy, appropriate behavior and crossing the line. 

The Office

If your man is ambitious and career driven and he may spend so much time at the office whether he’s with you or not (his mind is thinking about work when he’s with you) that you’re starting to suspect maybe he is having an affair. He may see it that he’s just doing his job in order to make a living to provide for the two of you. This may be good and well but if he’s not present in your relationship then there isn’t going to be a two of you. It’s about finding the balance between work and home that doesn’t add to the stress but alleviates some of the stress. So how can he put some boundaries down to make time for your relationship? Perhaps it’s one night a week he comes home early so that the two of you can spend time together e.g. date night, or limiting the time he spends at the office on the weekends or plugged into his devices i.e. laptop, cellphone, ipad etc. Men are instinctively primed to be the provider which to many, means the breadwinner and they can feel a lot of pressure in trying to live up to this image. This is a conversation you should have right at the beginning of your relationship to establish what each other’s career aspirations are, how you will support each other and managing the expectations where financial contributions are concerned. Money is one common areas that couples regularly fight over.

In each situation you need to ask yourself what exactly is it about this relationship that irks you? Is it that your partner gives this person more attention than you? Do you feel they are more of a priority in his life over you? Is it your own insecurities perhaps? Perhaps you’re a little jealous because you would’ve liked to have had a similar kind of relationship with your mother/sibling/childhood friend? Once you’ve identified the root cause of your frustration it’s easier to work with.

At the end of the day he has to want to change but change is a process and takes time so don’t expect this to happen over-night or after your first discussion, it may take a few to get him to really see where you are coming from as he may feel he’s doing nothing wrong. Encourage and appreciate him when he does take steps in putting healthy boundaries down. If you don’t have the courage to have this kind of conversation with him then perhaps you can write him a letter.

On the other hand, if you feel you have tried everything possible but very little has changed you may need to rethink the relationship and whether it is worth staying. No one deserves to be treated badly in a relationship and if your partner is not able to see your value and make you a priority in his life then perhaps you are better off with some who is willing to make you his number one.

Paula Quinsee is a Relationship Expert, Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict. Paula is also a consultant to the TV show ‘Married at First Sight SA’. She works with individuals and organisations to cultivate healthy relationships in both their personal and professional arenas by focusing on emotional skills and personal growth and development.