When you want more sex than him, what to do and how to ask for it

When it comes to doing the ‘deed’, sometimes our partner’s just aren’t in the mood and that’s ok. Sometimes we have an off day, other times there may contributing factors such as stress at work, you’ve hit a bumpy patch, or your libidos are not totally aligned (i.e. one of you has a higher sex drive). But, you don’t have to put things on ice indefinitely, here are some tips on how you can bring the the spark back and get him back in the game again.

How to get him back into bed and have more sex again

When it comes to men, sex is a key ingredient in your relationship and when your man isn’t showing much interest we can start assuming all sorts of things like are we good enough, pretty enough, is he still attracted to us kind of stuff which can drive us crazy. Don’t fret all is not lost, there are ways of spicing things up and making things happen for you both.

• Create the desire…here you can use things such as flirty texts, suggestive comments, reminding him of a time before when you had hot sex together, dress/undress seductively in-front of him or even watch porn together if that’s your thing.
• If he’s under a lot of stress, get active together to reduce the stress so that you can have some fun together, nothing beats getting all hot and sweaty together and then bringing it indoors for a shower where you can soap each other off…
• Don’t be afraid to initiate sex, often we wait for him to make the first move when some men actually get turned on by you taking the lead and that might just be the thing he needs. Never underestimate the power of an unexpected touch – like casually grazing his arm, back of his neck, those hot spots that you know will make him shiver.
• Get out of your day-to-day routine, dress up or wear something completely different to catch him by surprise and make him sit up and take notice.
• Lastly don’t forget the basics, a simple compliment can go a long way – we seldom compliment our partners or tell them how much we appreciate and value them and this can go a very long way in getting you closer to each other.

Do women have a greater need for sex these days or is it an age and preference thing?

Women like men also have needs. If you go back to primal days (Sex at Dawn by Cristopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha’) when we used to live in tribes/communities, copulating with various partners was considered normal as it was a way of ensuring we reproduced and that we found the mate with the strongest seed (i.e. sperm). Nowadays monogamous relationships are more the norm so we become more settled in our relationships.

• Age does play a factor in our libido, the younger you are the more sexually active you are as our hormones are running wild. The older we become, it becomes less about sex and more about companionship however that’s not to say this is true for all couples – every couple is different. What’s key to remember is that there needs to be a combination of both erotic actions and affectionate actions – there’s time to cuddle and there’s time to get down and dirty with each other.
• Just like you have to invest in other areas of your relationship, so too do you need to make an effort on the physical side of your relationship. There are also various times when our libido is higher than normal such as when we are pregnant or when we are ovulating. At the end of the day, you need to find what works for you and your relationship and have fun in the process – not every interaction has to end with intercourse or penetration, there are lots of ways of stimulating and satisfying each other

What can the reason be for him not wanting it as much as you?

Men are usually known to be the one’s to initiate sex but when your man is not making any moves there could be several factors at play:

• Stress is a big one and often we will find unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol, anti-depressants etc which can affect a man’s libido
• An inactive lifestyle and sleep disorders are also a contributor – we’re lethargic, have no energy or are feeling burnt out.
• Perhaps there is a possibility of medical conditions such as erectile dysfunction which can be a biggie for a man to deal with as it can send him straight to the embarrassment corner, low testosterone due to ageing, fatigue or a myriad of other things.

This is where you both need to be adult about the situation and talk things out to get to the root cause. If you feel you can’t do this together then consult with a professional that can help you both work through things together whilst still maintaining the love and respect for each other and supporting each other through the process than getting caught up in the blame game or toxic spiral to break-up or divorce.

A version of this article also appeared in W24.co.za

Paula Quinsee is a Relationship Expert, Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict. Paula is also a consultant to the TV show ‘Married at First Sight SA’. She works with individuals and organisations to cultivate healthy relationships in both their personal and professional arenas by focusing on emotional skills and personal growth and development. This article is adapted from the one that originally appeared in True Love Magazine