When your partner is just not into you…

It’s been a long day, you’ve just finished up with the daily chores of cooking dinner and putting the kids to bed so you can finally sit down with a cup of tea for some time out…and then your partner gives you that look….you know, the one that says let’s have some fun…and you’re just not in the mood. In fact it’s the last thing you feel like right now!

This is a common problem I hear from couples that I work with – and it’s not always the woman who is complaining, it happens with men too. Stress at work, depression, past/childhood trauma, physical illness, or extreme tension in your relationship can radically decrease interest in sex.

While these periods are worrying or frustrating, they pale in comparison to the pain and conflict caused when this is a common pattern of sexual intimacy in a relationship. 20% of marriages fall within this category and it is not often spoken about because it is so private and potentially humiliating. And because it’s not often spoken about, couples in this category can begin to believe that they’re alone in the world and no one else could possibly relate to what they are going through.

There are many reasons as to why this happens for both men and women and various treatment options available. If there is no clinical or medical reason (e.g. sexual disorders) for the situation, then the next step in resolving this situation lies with both partners being willing to unpack what the real reasons are and to find a way forward together without apportioning blame.

For men:
You cannot underestimate how crippling it can be for a man to find himself unable to perform sexually or to be faced with constant nonexistent libido. Although he may appear nonchalant, more than likely he’s devastated and deeply wounded. In fact, he may avoid sexual encounters because of his tremendous fear of failure. Whether we like it or not, sexual adequacy is linked to a man’s confidence, well-being, and overall sense of power in all areas of his life.

For women:
As a woman, you may struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy or wonder what’s wrong with you and why your husband seems to not be attracted to you. You may even question your femininity and sexuality. Along with those feelings and doubts, you may also wonder if your sex drive is abnormal and is there something wrong with you if you actually crave it from your partner?

To put sex into the appropriate context, you need to remember that it’s simply one expression of your relationship and how you relate to your partner. You share much more than just sex such as parenting, hobbies, challenges, friends, spiritual interests, values, culture, shared memories and more in your journey together.

Here are some steps you can take when faced with a situation like this:

• Take all pressure off immediately – the more you pressure your partner to perform, the more likely they will retreat.
• Ascertain whether there is any medical reason for the situation – past traumas, sexual disorders etc. If yes then seek the appropriate treatment.
• Manage your expectations – have honest conversations as to what your expectations are when it comes to the physical aspects of your relationship and how you can meet each others needs in different ways (i.e. intimacy vs sex).
• It is normal for one partner to have a higher libido than the other – this does not have to be a deal breaker, many couples have navigated this successfully with great satisfaction.
• There is a difference between intimacy and sex – most women need intimacy to enable them to have sex.
• Go back to the basics, start learning about each others likes, dislikes, desires, fantasies, needs etc.
• Communication = connection, connection = intimacy, intimacy will lead to sex.
• Change things up a bit – over time we get stuck in a routine which can become dull and well downright boring…..

What works for one couple is not necessarily the same for others so stop comparing yourself to others and focus on your own relationship, needs and each other.

Couples who grow together invariably stay together and part of the growing is learning about each others physical as well as emotional needs.